Book Summary: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are: The surprising new science that will change the way you view your sexual Life is a ground-breaking book that explores the female body, sexuality desires, and the research behind women’s pleasure. The book exposes the common myths surrounding Sexuality, arousal, and relationships and offers the reader a scientifically based, body-positive approach to understanding female Sexuality.
Professor. Nagoski, a sex educator and researcher, asserts she believes that female sexual preferences are affected by emotional, psychological, and social factors. She outlines key concepts such as desires with dual controls, the role of context in sexual arousal, as well as the effects of pressure on sexual behaviors.
Introduction: Understanding Female Sexuality
Emily Nagoski starts by dispelling the most common misconceptions concerning female Sexuality. She states that:
- Each woman’s Sexuality is different–there’s no “right way” to experience sexual attraction.
- The way we view Sexuality can be influenced by psychological and biological elements.
- Culture has an enormous impact on women’s perceptions of sexual pleasure and sex.
She outlines the fundamental idea behind the book that understanding the female body has nothing to do with “fixing” problems but about understanding how women’s minds and bodies function–and accepting them as they are.
Chapter 1: The Dual Control Model – How Sexual Arousal Works
One of the most essential theories is that of the dual control model for a sexual response, which states that:
- HTML0 is the Sexual Excitation System (SES) is a “gas pedal,” responding to stimuli that boost the level of arousal.
- HTML0 is the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) is a “brake,” responding to factors that reduce sexual arousal.
Key Takeaways:
- These two technologies work in tandem to control sexual Desire.
- Specific individuals have “gas pedals” (easily aroused), While others have senile “brakes” (efficiently inhibited).
- Stress anxiety, stress, and unflattering body pictures frequently trigger the brakes and reduce sexual Desire.
Instruction: Instead of trying to “increase” sexual Desire, many women gain more by getting rid of the substances that are putting on their brakes.
Chapter 2: Context is Everything – Why Arousal Depends on the Situation
Nagoski clarifies how the Desire for sexual pleasure is highly dependent on the context, which means that:
- The same pleasant feeling in one setting could be irritating or uncomfortable in a different one.
- The physical, emotional, and psychological elements affect the degree to which a woman is enthralled.
She gives an example of this:
- A woman may feel sexually euphoric after an intimate dinner.
- If she’s overly stressed, tired, nervous, or anxious, she might not be able to feel the same way, even with a partner who is in the same environment.
The most important takeaway is that the Sexuality of women is dynamic and influenced by their surroundings. Arousal isn’t a “constant state” but a response to specific situations and experiences.
Chapter 3: The Importance of Emotional Connection
This chapter examines the connection between emotions, intimacy, and sexual attraction.
- Women often suffer from “responsive desire” rather than “spontaneous desire.”
- “spontaneous” is when arousal happens suddenly (every day for men).
- Receptive Desire is the term used to describe arousal that occurs shortly after sexual activity begins instead of before.
Example:
- A woman might have difficulty deciding whether or not she “feels in the mood” initially, but when she begins engaging in intimacy, the relationship may be exciting.
Lesson: Many women think that something is “wrong” with them if they don’t experience a spontaneous urge; however, in reality, responsive Desire is normal.
Chapter 4: The Role of Stress and Mental Health in Sexuality
Nagoski discusses the way anxiety and psychological health problems directly affect sexual Desire.
- If the brain senses the presence of danger or stress when it senses danger or stress, it triggers the “brakes” to get activated, to reduce the level of arousal.
- Women who are suffering from depression, anxiety, or trauma are often struggling with their Desire. This is not due to a “sexual dysfunction” but because their brain is focusing on enjoyment over survival.
Practical Tip:
- Engaging in activities that help reduce stress (exercise or meditation and breathing profoundly) can aid in improving sexual health.
The main takeaway is that managing stress is one of the best methods to increase sexual satisfaction and Desire.
Chapter 5: The Impact of Body Image and Self-Perception
This chapter is focused on how self-image and body image affect Sexuality.
- Women who are at ease and secure within their bodies will be more inclined to have fun with sex.
- Body image-related negative thoughts serve as a “brake” on arousal, which makes it more challenging to feel the Desire.
Example:
- Someone worried about her weight might be uncomfortable in intimacy, which prevents her from enjoying the moment.
Solution:
- Practicing self-compassion and affirmations of your body positively can help to shift the focus from self-criticism towards self-acceptance.
Chapter 6: The Science of Orgasms – Understanding Pleasure
Nagoski Explains that orgasms do not constitute the purpose of sexual sex but are a natural result of connection and pleasure.
- Many women have trouble with orgasm because they’re too focused on their performance rather than enjoying themselves.
- “The “pleasure gap” is due to cultural messages that emphasize pleasure for males over pleasure for women.
- The arousal of the sexual organs is are primary factor in the majority of female orgasms; however, many aren’t aware of how the clitoris functions.
Lesson: Instead of focusing on having an orgasm, females should be focusing on the things that feel good to them and allow them to be entirely present for the moment.
Chapter 7: The Role of Culture and Social Messages
Nagoski examines how the messages of society about Sexuality affect women’s perceptions.
- Women are frequently told that their Sexuality needs to remain “controlled,” “modest,” or “pleasing to others” and can cause feelings of shame.
- Many women learn that Sexuality is something they ought to “give” rather than something they can be able to enjoy themselves.
Key Takeaway:
- Cultural conditioning profoundly affects women’s sexual experiences–recognizing these influences can help women redefine their pleasure and desires.
Chapter 8: The Science of Long-Term Desire in Relationships
Nagoski examines the reasons why Desire tends to decline in relationships that last for a long time, as well as how couples can keep the intimacy they have.
- The brain needs thrills and excitement and excitement, which is why the first romance stage is so exciting.
- As time passes, the routine can make sexual intimacy less exciting, resulting in the loss of Desire.
Strategies for Keeping Desire Alive:
- The importance of emotional connection–intimacy goes beyond physical.
- Participate in exciting experiences to make new experiences.
- Discuss sexual desires and needs.
The lesson: Passion doesn’t disappear in long-term relationships; it needs effort to keep.
Conclusion: Embracing Your Unique Sexuality
In the closing Chapter, Nagoski encourages women to embrace their Sexuality the way it is instead of seeking to “fix” it.
- Every woman’s personal experience of Desire is individual and unique.
- There’s no “normal” way to feel awake. What is important is knowing what is working for your needs.
- Through getting rid of false expectations and falsehoods, women can enjoy more happiness, confidence, and satisfaction in their sexual lives.
Final Recommendations from Take It As You Are
- The Sexuality of you is individual, and there’s a “right” way to experience sexual Desire.
- Context is crucial. What feels good is based on the context.
- Stress stress, mental health, the body’s image, and stress all impact sexual health.
- Long-term relationships require a lot of effort to keep the excitement and passion alive.
- Acceptance of oneself and open communication are the keys to a satisfying sexual experience.
Nagoski’s Come As You Are is an empowering, scientifically-based book that assists women in understanding how to accept and accept their Sexuality without shame, guilt, or unattainable expectations.